People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.