According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade