[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Important reminders
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
sigh
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
me irl
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig