“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Good point.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Xylophonist Shredding It
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.