Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.