Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
So inspired right now.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
one of
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.