Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.