Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
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15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii