*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
These are my roll models.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.