for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
describing stardew valley
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Good news
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Who chose this font
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.