one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.