ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Finally!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.