ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
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Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.