Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.