Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}