Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.