Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I already tried new things thanks.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.