due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village