Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders