ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
#SCOTUS one-star review
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Cheer up.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
back to work