ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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mom gave me mine for free
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”