Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
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I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Ain’t no way
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?