ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*