Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
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This is why I hate group projects
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand