Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Lol #dogsoftwitter
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S