Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires