Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.