I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
You Might Also Like
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*