me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex