[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins