They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*