ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
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“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.