Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”