Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.