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@Vodkantots: Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
@DaddyJew: Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?
Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours
Cop: get outta here
@mommajessiec: Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
@adamhess1: I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers
@mrtruthandsoul: Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
@freypalm: Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.