If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
consequences, the bane of my existence
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Spam popsicles.
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