friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
first you must answer his riddles
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.