Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
is this a warning or an offer?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
work smarter, not harder
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter