Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.