Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.