Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Bond. Trauma bond.
*watches the world burn*
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.