Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Ha.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out