Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.