Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me