Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
You Might Also Like
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.