Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
crazy
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun