Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing