ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
You Might Also Like
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Flowers bee like
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?