A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey