Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant