Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Sell your car
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Saving my good tweets for marriage
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…