*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.